1. For your last birthday, your friends bought you:
a) a casserole dish
b) a whisky a third of your age
c) nothing. You’ve given up celebrating your birthday
d) a strippergram
2. ‘My life so far has gone exactly according to plan, and I’m as successful as I always imagined I would be.’
b) strongly disagree
c) who are you kidding?
d) I’ll get on with my life just as soon as I’ve finished touring toured with my band/ partying in Ibiza/backpacking across the Hindu Kush
3. Your friends are all:
a) Getting divorced
b) Secretly thinking about getting divorced
c) Boasting about all the sex they’re having with athletic younger partners since they got divorced
d) Still optimistic about meeting Ms/Mr right
4. On a scale of 1-10, how tired are you right now?
d) 5 or less
5. How would you describe your current psychological state?
b) angry and resentful
c) uncontrollably reckless and impulsive
6. Teachers are:
a) stalwarts of the community
b) really young these days
c) paid more than you
d) whingers who spend too much time in the pub. You know because lots of them are your mates.
7. What does dying mean to you?
a) something that happens to other people, but increasingly often these days
b) panic attacks, night sweats,
c) who is that man in the cloak with the scythe?
d) what you do to your hair
8. What keeps you awake at night?
a) the baby
b) money worries
c) all-night parties (the neighbours’)
d) all-night parties (yours)
9. Your ringtone is:
a) an old-fashioned telephone noise
b) Blondie’s Call Me/Lionel Richie’s Hello/Kraftwerk’s The Telephone Call
c) A voice recording of your children
d) In the charts
10. A typical evening in is:
a) ready meal +glass of wine, DVD/current affairs programme + glass of wine, check work emails + glass of wine
b) dinner for eight, a really good wine you wanted to show off, the less-good wine your guests brought, digestifs, heated row about state v private education
c) feed kids, do kids’ homework, bath kids, read to kids, feed partner, clear away supper, stay up past midnight writing business plan/novel/Open University essay dreaming that one day you’ll be able to escape the lot of them
d) a Eurovision theme night
11. While reading this you are:
a) Listening to Radio 4
b) making the kids’ packed lunch, ironing uniform, and sending emails
c) commuting, because you had to live so far away from your workplace in order to afford a house
d) drinking tequila slammers, reading bits out loud, and laughing at ‘old’ people
If you answered:
Mostly a, b or c – Congratulations! Welcome to midlife!
Mostly d – Wipe that smug look off your face. It will get you too in the end, you know.